Living Just Above Death

by The Awesome on Aug 24, 2010 in Personal Confluence

I have 1,000 things I want to do.  1,000 ideas to explore.  1,000 places I want to see.  And every day, I go do the least enjoyable of them all: work.  It’s only been 3 months back in cubicle hell and I’m starting to be refreshed why I walked out the last time.

It’s not that I don’t like work or don’t like making money.  I like doing both of those, money as a means to an end, and not the end itself.  But there’s something that feels so unnatural to me sitting in a gray cube (literally, gray) and staring at a computer screen all day.  It doesn’t resonate with me.

I know I’m being the typical whiner here, pining for something, anything, other than going into a gray cubicle farm everyday and working on mind numbing shit.  There’s no creative outlet in the corporate world.  No matter what the ad says, it’s bullshit.  What they mean when they say they’re seeking creativity is someone who plays well within the box and does what the boss tells them to do “creatively.”

I feel stuck…again.  I have a whole list of things I’d rather be doing, ideas I’d rather be exploring, but a brotha’s gotta eat.  The fucking reality of the modern world.  There’s got to be a better way, and I don’t mean get another job.  That’s not the solution.  In fact, I know what my solution is and hopefully one day I’ll get there.  But I keep thinking, “what if I don’t?”  Although I’ve made a vow to die trying, how much can someone take spinning in an unfulfilling position in life, knowing that the grass IS greener?

I think the definition of a “good” job is simply one that doesn’t suck ass.  Unfortunately, from my perspective, 99.999% of jobs suck ass.  Absolutes are a bitch, but when you’re trading a majority of your time that could be spent on creative expression for a steady paycheck, you realize that you’re only living slightly above death.  Or as I like to call the old people: skeletons.

Ignorance is bliss, and sometimes I wish I could be zonked out like that guy in Office Space.  It’s easy to just say to someone to quit and pursue their dreams, but like I’ve written before, nobody talks about the losers who do this (and there’s 10,000 failures for every success).

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Chiefs Are The New Kings

by The Awesome on Aug 17, 2010 in Lies & Truth

Kings aren’t dead.  Far from it.  They are alive and well in the corporate world.  They have their own kingdom, their own rules, and their own slaves.  They rake in the loot generated off the backs of the drones, who make a teeny tiny fraction of the rewards.  They are not a family or a team, they are an organization of people, structured in a hierarchy, just like a kingdom.  Those towards the top get more and have special rules.  Those at the bottom settle for shit, and are usually treated like shit as well.  This is not a complaint.  It’s the truth.

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They Don’t Give Awards To Failures

by The Awesome on Aug 16, 2010 in Real Life

Everyone loves a winner, a rags to riches story with the message that “you can too.”  While it certainly is possible, it’s a fucking retarded argument.

Everyone can’t win.  There will always be more losers than winners.  The stupid will always outweigh the smart.  But you don’t have to win all the time, and every win doesn’t have to be a home run.  And winning is hard, don’t let anyone else tell you different.  Outcome is only the tip of the iceberg.

I think parades should be held for the losers of the Super Bowl.  They have more knowledge to share, things they would do differently, insights into what went wrong and how to fix them.  The winners got nothing.  They won.  What’s their lesson?  “We outplayed them and fucked them up the ass because we’re better?”  You don’t learn much from the winners.  You learn more from losers.  But winning puts butts in the seats, so they’re real easy to find.

If you want to know how someone became a success, they’ll certainly tell you, but they’re wrong.  No matter how detailed they are, they’re wrong.  They have biases, and what they believe is the keys to their success may just be some random bullshit or luck sprinkled on them.  Ask the losers what went wrong and I bet you’ll find some hard core, actionable evidence.

Of course, if you’re constantly looking for THE answer, you’re a dipshit.  Being a loser is the best education you give yourself.  A lesson I’m learning really strong right now.

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Perseverance

by The Awesome on Aug 07, 2010 in Lies & Truth

Everyone wants THE key to success, as if there is one big secret if only learned could bring about monumental fortune in any area desired.  This is easily translated to: “I want to know, without having to think, take risks, or put myself out there in any way, the one simple, easy to understand, that any dumb ass lazy piece of shit could follow secret that guarantees me, 100%, that I can achieve what I want without having to change myself, my lifestyle, or anything else.”  In other words, a “cure.”

I think it was some Chinese philosopher that said something along lines of “success happens at the point just beyond when you’re about to give up.”  I wouldn’t follow this philosophy to a T, because some shit just ain’t gonna happen, no matter how much perseverance one has.  But it is a good reminder that everything never goes smoothly as planned and the low points, Seth Godin calls them dips, are the times that separate the haves from the have nots and never gonna haves.

Of course this is all existential and non-substantial, because simply nodding in agreement is no different than shrugging your shoulders and moving on.  It needs context, and that can only be defined individually/circumstantially.

I’m tired of philosophical bullshit.  It’s prevalent in blogs and generic cut ‘n paste magazine articles.  “Top 10 ways to make more money!”  1.  start a dog walking business.  2.  sell your stuff on ebay.  3.  kick an old lady down a flight of stairs and steal her purse.  I want to define my own plan, my own dip, so I know when I’m there and what actions I’m going to take to get out, or more importantly, when I’m going to give up.

Perseverance is important, sure, for me.  Yours may be different.  Maybe you need consistency, or charm, or dangerously good looks, or a string of miserable failures.  Or maybe it’s a combination of a thousand things.

One thing is for certain.  Step by steps don’t work, neither do cut ‘n pastes.

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At The Edge

by The Awesome on Jul 31, 2010 in Real Life

Being at the edge of unknown territory is scary and exciting.

I started a quest about a year ago to get away from being a wage slave, exchanging my time for money.  I hate working in a cubicle.  I hate having to be fixed to a location 40 hours a week.  I hate having a boss telling me what to do.  I hate working for peanuts while the king of the corporation rolls in the money.  I just hate everything there is about being an employee, including my fellow employees who zip around the office hopped up on caffeine, microwave dinners, and who knows what else merrily spinning their wheels for the corporation.

Some people call me lazy or tell me I have a bad attitude.  There’s nothing redeeming or fulfilling about feeling like a slave each and every work day.  If not wanting to spend my best years sitting behind a desk approximately 1900 hours a year gives me a bad attitude, then I’m perfectly happy with that moniker.  Most people sit around and just complain about how work sucks, but rarely do anything to change their circumstance.  I’ve stopped complaining and see a job as nothing more than a stop gap.  I’m (finally) doing something about it.  I may never be able to quit and live free of paycheck hell, but I’m going to die trying.

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Fail – Fear Of Rejection Challenge

by The Awesome on Jul 24, 2010 in Challenges, Fear Of Rejection

That’s it.  Big fail.  No approaches, no nothing.  Fear wins and I give up…for the moment.

I’ve started thinking that some areas of life are just impossible to change.  Despite rationally knowing that my fears and self limiting beliefs are pure bullshit, it doesn’t translate into action.  Right now, I don’t know how to tackle that part because simply trying to force myself to do it isn’t working, the resistance is so strong I can’t seem to overcome it.

I also am beginning to believe that this resistance to change is mother nature’s intention.  Think about it, in the wild, it’s survival of the fittest.  Only those with strong genes are “allowed” to mate, ensuring that the species becomes stronger.  In the animal kingdom, the weaker of a species are either relegated to beta status or simply killed off.  I think in our “civilized” existence, we have mental controls.  Some just have an uncanny ability to get sex, while the vast majority, of which I’m a member, are crippled with ridiculous fears and anxieties that prevent us from spreading our genes too much.

It’s like there’s those that just know and those of us that are always trying to figure it out.  Those in the know sometimes try to teach the figure-outters, but it’s an uphill battle.  The figure-outters are always fakers.  Sure they can get it from time to time, hitting the home run, but they will never just be blessed with knowing.

Perhaps I should take that as cue and accept my position.  After all, if it’s mother nature’s intention that I shouldn’t be spreading my genes, for one reason or another, why should I fight against that and contribute to fucking up the species?

Man, that is one convoluted excuse isn’t it?  Oh well, it’s a good distraction from the simple fact that I’m a failure pussy in this area.

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Feeling Good About Making A Difference

by The Awesome on Jul 16, 2010 in Lies & Truth, Real Life

Here’s a non-exhaustive list of ineffective, meaning minimally lifestyle invasive, ways of “making a difference” in the world:

  • Recycling.  Simply throwing your empty plastic bottles and used newspapers in a bin labelled recycling is probably the laziest way known to man to make a difference.  But it gives you feel-good-juice and the illusion that you’re doing something about the side effects of consumption.  Damn the cost!  We want our hit of good feelings!
  • Paying $2 to buy a pink ribbon to wear for breast cancer “awareness,” or any other “awareness” bullshit for that matter.  How does simply being aware of some horrific disease help to eradicate it?  Isn’t it far more effective to practice the known ways to prevent it from ever happening?  No, because then you’d actually have to get off your ass and do something about it, psychologically and physically.  It’s far easier to plop down $2 and pin a ribbon to your chest for a month or participate in a 2 hour “walk for the cure,” then go about your business hoping that something comes along that doesn’t make you have to change.  Has all that money and time spent trying to find a cure been effective (“cure” being the lazy (wo)man’s plan for health)?  About as effective as the war on drugs has been.
  • Buying a hybrid vehicle.  Isn’t this the ultimate in feeling good about making a difference?  Not only are you consuming less fuel, you’re polluting the environment less than the other guy in the Hummer, and making him feel guilty at the same time.  Doesn’t it feel good knowing that you’ve taken the burden of the world being consumed by pollution off your shoulders and placed it on someone else’s?  And, you still get to engage in your destructive lifestyle to boot!  What a bargain!  Pretentious-snot-nose-difference-maker to the world: “Whew! Now we don’t have to worry about that any more.  It’s someone else’s problem now!”
  • Dropping your loose change into the “Make A Wish” jar at your local Wal-Marts.  The selling point of most charities is not actually making a difference or putting the money donated towards real, effective action (the keyword being effective).  People don’t give a fuck what happens to their money once it leaves their hands.  All they care about is that short surge of feel-good-juice they get from thinking they are doing stuff to make a difference.  Now they can tell all their friends and family they have contributed to the betterment of society and be on the merry way.  “Make A Wish” is only an example.  This applies to ALL charities.
  • Taking a “diet” pill or buying an exercise machine or gym membership to “get healthy.”  There are many factors that contribute to health.  Fitness is one.  So is a healthy weight.  Simply buying a pill, powder, or other concoction and thinking you’re doing something about your weight is an illusion.  It makes you feel good, because you don’t have to take the all critical, difficult action necessary to actually change your lifestyle for the better.  That’s much, much harder than popping a pill and going on your merry way.  Oh, and having that exercise machine sitting in the corner puts you one step closer.  Doctors and nutritionists are the enablers, and bank on you not taking real action so they can keep pumping you with complete crap.  They’re the ones raking in the cash from this bullshit, to the betterment of their bank account, not your health.

Here’s the exhaustive list of effective, meaning maximally lifestyle invasive, ways of truly making a difference in the world:

  • Stop consuming.  100%.  Rip all your clothes off and disconnect yourself from the economic matrix that has you, move back to the jungle, your natural habitat, and live in the wild.  It’s the only true way to make a real difference.  Everything else is just feel-good-juice masturbation.
  • Die.

If you’re not prepared to engage in one of the effective models, then it’s best to not even give a fuck.  Recycling is ridiculously expensive and has no hope of reducing the side effects of our lifestyle (trash, pollution, disease, etc).  “Fighting” cancer using monetary weapons hoping for a magical cure someday is no different than throwing your money in a drainage ditch and making a wish upon a star.  Helping kids by giving celebrities money to visit them as they lay dying in the hospital is, well, fucking stupid.  And leaning your hopes for health on the medical establishment makes you a fucking lazy, piece of shit dumbass.  The only real reason to buy a hybrid is to save money on gas and get the tax write off.  You aren’t any closer to saving the environment by polluting it less.  Zero pollution, zero consumption is the only truly effective method.

Stop giving to charity and stop leaning your hopes for a better world on a proxy.  Bottom line:  accept the consequences of your consumption; save your money and time trying to balance it out so you don’t feel guilty.  Ignorance is no excuse.  Simply relying on popular media to deliver your information is a form of retardation.  Find the truth.  You’ll know when you see it because it will be simple, relatively free and click with your common sense (if you still have any left).

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Dumbing It Down – Fear Of Rejection Challenge

by The Awesome on Jul 10, 2010 in Challenges, Fear Of Rejection

I’ve decided to scale back from 30 rejections.  I only have about a week left and what’s the point if I can’t just do one?  So I’m focusing on simply getting the first one, and not beating myself up for every “missed” opportunity.

As I continue to tunnel down my rabbit hole of fear, I don’t feel like I’m making much progress on the psychological front.  The rabbit hole doesn’t seem to have a bottom.  It’s just a big fucking infinite circle.  I keep waiting for the day when I can convince myself that nothing bad is going to happen if I approach and express sexual interest in a girl.  I know that day is never going to come without action on my part.  In other words, proving to myself with real life examples that whatever happens, no matter how horrific, I can handle it.  But then again, it’s easy to sit here and talk about it, much harder to put into practice.  At least I’m making it out to be harder.

So here’s my action plan for the final week:

  • Just chit chat with most everyone I come in contact with, even if it’s just a simple “Hello.”
  • Do some fear setting exercises, to try and really get at what it is I’m most afraid of, and how I can handle it if it does happen.
  • Don’t beat myself up for not approaching, or for missing opportunity.  There’ll be more to come along.
  • Just do it, ask a strange girl for her phone number.

I think eliminating the need to approach every hot girl I come across will relieve some of the pressure I’m putting on myself, plus only thinking of one instead 30.

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The Aerosmith Syndrome And The Gym

by The Awesome on Jul 10, 2010 in Dumb Shit

I hate Aerosmith.  I also hate going to the gym.  Not because I don’t like to work out, but because there’s always a handful of douchebags in there trying to out muscle everyone else.  I’m surprised more people aren’t injured from some of the nonsense I’ve witnessed.  Here’s a tip for all you wanna be meat heads:  if you have to arch you back, hold your breath, scrunch your face, and grind your feet into the ground just to do a bench press, you’re using way too much fucking weight.  I hope you die.

Anyway, I’ve never understood the popularity of Aerosmith.  No talent.  No songwriting ability.  Nothing but a bunch of fags jumping around to cheesy, over processed crap they consider music.  Yes, I am fucking bitter that a handful of homos got lucky and become rock stars.  Really, before about the year 2000, we didn’t have much of a choice when it came to music.  We listened to whatever the record companies rammed down our throats.  I’d like to seem them fags do it now, in the age of dying “traditional” media.

The thing with Aerosmith is that they don’t know when to stop.  They can write a good hook, but then that’s it.  With most bands, the formula is verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus, done (really good musicians don’t need to follow this pattern though).  With Aerosmith, it’s verse, chorus, verse, some cut ‘n paste guitar solo, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus.  Over and over and over on an infinite loop until finally there’s no more tape (or in these days, hard drive space).  Every time I hear an Aerosmith song come on, I start wishing hard for a piano to just fall from the sky and kill me.  It’s torture.  I would happily sacrifice 1 year off the end of my life to never, ever hear an Aerosmith song again (same goes for anything AC/DC post Bon Scott).

What does Aerosmith have to do with the gym?  Nothing.  I just heard an Aerosmith song while working out and thought about taking my own life with a barbell, or I could’ve just gotten close enough to the guy throwing around 285 lbs he couldn’t handle on the bench, or pick a fight with the meat head girl with shoulders broader than mine who probably fucks the guy she’s working out with in the ass.

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What’s The Payoff? – Fear Of Rejection Challenge

by The Awesome on Jul 06, 2010 in Challenges, Fear Of Rejection

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself.  When last we met, I was on a mission to simply introduce myself to 5 women.  I failed.  Again.  And spiraled into a bit of funk.  Beating myself up and practically giving up.

Then I had a small breakthrough.  I began asking myself “what’s the payoff?”  What do I hope to gain from laying in fear?  What am I protecting?  Does this even fucking matter?  Am I going about this wrong?  What is my end desired result?

Simply getting a date is the end goal.  A date from a woman I approach and arrange to see again, and she shows up.  I feel like I’m a long way from that, but I wonder if I’m even headed in the right direction.  I wonder if getting 30 rejections will actually help propel me towards that goal?  Is there a more effective approach?

The payoff of wallowing in fear is simply protecting my ego.  All my excuses is keeping me safe.  I’m obviously not prepared to walk up to a woman out of the blue and introduce myself.  I know the reasons, I’ve hashed them out here, no need to revisit them.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  I need a fresh approach and more accountability.

I’ve thought of hiring a “dating coach,” but I know most of them are schooled in pick up theory and all that bullshit.  I don’t care for driving nails with a sledgehammer, which is exactly what pick up is.  Although it would be beneficial just to witness someone else approach women without suffering the horrific consequences I can imagine.

I’ve also thought about just writing on index cards my insecurities and self limiting beliefs and going out and handing them to girls I would like to have approached.  I kind of like this idea.  It effectively lays all my cards on the table and puts me in a position to be judged by women I’m otherwise afraid to be judged by.  I’m not sure how this gets me closer to my desired result though.

I’m not making any more promises here again, since I seem to fall flat on my face every time.  I was ready to give up, but as Tim Ferriss says “ask yourself, are you having a break down or a break through?”  The last couple of days I believed the former, but today it proved to be the latter.

I have a little over a week left.  I’ll see what idea sticks tomorrow.

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